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Robert D Pemberton

A beginning

Dark Fire

That Dark fire who consumes all
I bid you farewell.
Fear’s not the courage you’re looking for
This is not your end.

Tried your worst to destroy
Lie and wait to burn it down
The castle fell
from dust the ruins cry

Basking in the fortunes of rage
The broken angel mired in shame
Halo’s fallen light yet dims
Let it yet renew.

As Heaven is Faithful
And Father’s Son is enough
Gift of Courage sought
Acquiescence

My best songs are yet unsung
of this mortal heart they burn
Heaven hears the whispering
echoes of sorrow to joy

Open wide the fires of hell
as
I am alive
and
I am Gold
plucked from that fire
cast anew
quenched in Heaven’s tears
a new story to begin

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To the Women in my life

I’ve met several women who, when their husband asked for Marriage, they were saying “No no no no no!” on the inside, and said “yes.”

The No’s were all their valid worries – about character, strength, etc. Not just fear of the unknown – but a valid tangible fear of the known. Can I really live with this? But many women find the fear of disappointing someone is overpowering. Can you say no? It would crush his soul and break his heart!2014-01-21 00.08.24

A few posts I read about this, along with a friends post about feminism, cultural immodesty coupled with shaming women who nurse in public brought all these thoughts to the forefront.

All of this culminated in a discussion at the dinner table with 8 of my 10 children. The other two are semi-permanently not there – a topic for another time.

We discussed confidence in women. How to say no to something coming down the road by deciding now. We discussed addictions: chemical, food, behaviors, etc. We talked about how all strengths come with a weakness.

The following is my own philosophy on the idea that all strengths have inherent weakness. The focus here, is on how women’s strengths can undermine them.

The strength of women comes in their nurturing. They give service.
Imagine if all women had a strong “NO” for service and nurturing? What would it be like? All those hours kids need tutoring: help with school projects, advice on friends, discovering interests, etc. What if Mommy-nature said “no” to these bids for nurturing? You don’t want to disappoint them. Your empathy moves you. Your compassion motivates you. Its more than sympathy. You ache with their aches…so of course you will sacrifice. You will teach. You will stay up in the night holding the baby so she can sleep – and you won’t. You will do the hard thing you don’t want to do…swallow your “No” and say “Yes.”

So it becomes part of the nature of a woman who is willing to be a mommy. You contemplate it, know it is work, swallow your “No” and say “yes”. And the kids are forever grateful for it. Husbands worth their salt are also grateful and express this as often as they can.

But this compassion becomes a weakness when someone else, to whom you really owe no allegiance, makes a bid for your time. Mommy brain contemplates it, decides its not really an outcome you want, forms a No and then you see that look…and the look is real. Sometimes feigned, but rejection for men is real. Very real. The empathy kicks in. The compassion. You feel their rejection for them. You feel it as if it was you.

If you add in the natural need for security, support and companionship, then it drives harder. If the bid for attention is coupled with any kind of possibility for romance or relationships it takes on another whole level. What can giving in to the bid for a kiss give you? Is it that for a moment the feeling of being appreciated, needed and adored? If he does things just to get what he wants – and your heart can feel the difference – then you’ll get burned.

Or is there really no chemistry and a kiss is truly stolen solely out of sympathy?

The need for human intimacy is real. Its real for women too – just for subtly different reasons. But without the dedicated commitment of a good person who is willing to go the distance, a kiss is the door to getting badly burned. But don’t give up by giving in to feeling bad about it.

This is why Men need to learn to be Gentlemen. We’re different. We’re focused, logic oriented and objective driven. We’re not emotional (illogical, as we might put it), and its ok for us to be different. We typically aren’t driven by empathy, compassion and nurturing – some of us are, but not typically. We universally lament our inability to understand women. But there are things, handed down by good Fathers, that should help. The trick isn’t to understand every thought and action. Thats like making sense of every wave and gust of wind. No, the trick is to try and feel the motion of the water, the level of the tide and the phase of the moon – metaphorically speaking. Understanding her shifting moods and fickle needs is part of life. Love her for it. Laugh it off. What does she have to put up with you?

It used to be that you didn’t touch a woman unless she invited you in – that’s what my Father taught me. You didn’t even look beyond noticing her as a person. “A woman is like a rose. You will always notice they’re beautiful.” But noticing doesn’t justify contemplating acts or touching.

A Gentleman will not take advantage of a Woman’s need for companionship and nurturing. He won’t use his larger frame, physical strength or assertive nature to coerce her.

He won’t play games.
He won’t say he needs no strings attached affection.
He won’t ask for a kiss from a woman he is not committed to. To do so is almost cruel, if you understand her nature. He knows what a kiss means.

While women tend to carry around water – nurturing, healing, life giving.
Men carry around fire. It’s persistent, hot, greedy and consumes. Logically he knows this – if he’s an adult then he’s dealt with it for years – maybe a decade or two. Unlike women, he’ll carry it his whole life.

The kiss is ignition of fire. He hopes to ignite her flame…all very normal and natural. This is why a gentleman doesn’t do it – not with a woman he hasn’t committed and sworn to give his life to. Too many boys think they are men and have the right to the affections of a woman – but the moment her water is bringing new life out of his flame, the boy wants to run…he laments his responsibility and she is devastated. The Gentleman never put her in that position in the first place.

What does a Gentleman do? How do you know?
– If he’s willing to build a castle around you, so you can nurture in safety
– Put food on your table so you can succor your babies
– adorn you with robes worthy of -your station – Mother, Wife, Friend

Then he is showing outward signs of that commitment.

It takes more than this to make a Good man.
– If he allows you your emotional outbursts, your mood changing like the tide and
– your fickle whims.
Then he is showing inward signs of commitment. He may be a Man worthy of your attention – and maybe that kiss.

 

ramble/

A Mother’s Love

These thoughts. These feelings. These words. THIS is why we hang on so long. So long passed the day we know we should have left. Passing the days without hope. Our children’s innocence and security hangs in the balance. Their availability in our lives – before we split them into two households – is so necessary for them to thrive.

The Beauty of the End

“I was taken with the delicate structure of this leaf at the end of its life.” Rona Black

Source: The Beauty of the End

Sifting Sands – a poem on pride/humility, sin and repentance.

Sifting sands are interlaced

souls like grains innumerable

good and bad, light and dark

transcribed by fire to glass are we

.

the human family

.

and yet we see not

that hidden before our eyes

the hardened sands deceive

see what we wish to see

.

that I am right

and I am right

and I am right

and you are wrong

.

deceived by good intent

we see them not

we know them not

deceived by good intent

.

And so the master,

of all and all is he

hath said, to us

we are the grains,

.

transcribed by fire to glass

bound together as family

imperfect? yes

together, in imperfectness

.

forgive and forgive

forget and forget

seven times seven hundred

and then some

.

can I say I am the pure grain

and that you are the impure?

Shall I shatter the glass that was forged?

to judge which grain you are?

.

because in the glass is reflected clearly

.

that I am right

and I am right

and you are wrong.

.

And so in righteous fury

to assure that all see clearly

I shatter that which has been made

by holy hands and cleansing fire

.

and with its breaking

my vision is lost

for I have shattered family.

within that reflection, was me

.

and from the shards I bleed

hold aloft that grain of sand,

the impurity within the glass?

to shout to all the world that I was right

and I was right

.

can you not see that I am right?

.

and upon my hands,

the shards remain

still cutting

and I am sorrow

and I try,

how I try…

to put it back together.

but withhold forgiveness of that mote

.
In my eye there is no beam

.
so say I, it MUST repent!

or this cannot mend

.

I will not forgive and forgive

nor will I forget and forget

not once nor twice

til all acknowledge

.

that I was right

and I was right

and I was right

and you were wrong

.

and so it feels like poison

the helplessness

the powerlessness

the shame

.

I am free

and I have chosen

yet the poison still remains

the lie still remains

.

and so the Master

with fire and light and truth

forges on and purifies

the glass, the human family

.

the crystal lattice in beauty grows

as child bears child

the family grows

family grows

.

yet one thing remains

that one poor grain

it was I

it was I

.

can you forgive me?

tho’ I would not forgive?

will you forgive me?

tho’ I cannot forgive?

.

the poison is bitter

and I am imperfect

who will drink this cup?

.

the answer is clear

.

dear sister, dear brother

forgiveness is there

and He has drunk that bitter cup

He has drunk that bitter cup

.

within His holy house

the light, through crystal shines

on each wall the glass reflect

from eternity

to eternity

.

the Human Family

My Original Music on SoundCloud

Days without Poetry

Today there is no song in my heart. No poem on my lips. Some days are without warmth. That needed hug feels miles away. The weight of it all is crushing.  When dreams turn to darkness.  All I ever wanted was love and family.

Maybe its the gray skies. Maybe its the week of little or no sleep.
Maybe its the sweet 6 year old girl who I miss dearly.

2014-01-21 00.08.24
My Sweet six year old Daughter

It all started in June 2006. I had just closed a cold and painful chapter of life. The Divorce was final. But a war was brewing and I didn’t know it. Sometimes that war seems never ending. The casualties…

Somebody new dropped into my life. They were different. There was something special, or so it seemed. We dated a year and were married November of 2007.  Things were great.  Six months later, we found out that my former spouse and her boyfriend had been sexually abusing my little girl for the previous two years. Devastation. Chaos.

Two years of brutal reality: court, Guardian ad litem, DA prosecutors. It was constant, raw and horrible. The worst part of it was the toll it took on the victim. Her guilt for telling on her mom. Her Maternal Grandmother pressuring her to say it all wasn’t true. I’m sure it didn’t help her when I came apart, weeping and feeling lost.
How could I have failed so completely to protect my children?
Years later, I got over that feeling. The realization that I had done everything I could.

With that war behind me, I thought I would be headed to better times. Happiness and contentment eluded me. Why? There was still a lot of poison in my home. I see what happened but it doesn’t mean I understand it at all.

My advise is this. Don’t dwell on the negative. Don’t wallow in the misery of the past – whether you created it or not.  Don’t justify anger or hate.

My wife began to fear the children I brought with me from my first marriage. They were somehow broken and it was her responsibility to fix them. Or at least thats what she expressed to me for four years.  How someone else’s destruction was heaped on her to fix. But instead of shunning that poison, it is as if she ingested it. Wallowed in it until it seeped into her skin. She turned dark.  Fear lead to anger. Anger lead to hate. Hate lead to suffering.

…and I watched it all happen. I begged and pleaded. I hoped and wished. I prayed.

Kids began to suffer.

After five years, I divorced again. Years of family counseling and therapy down the drain. The little girl we had together was stripped from me. I was a single Dad with three little kids full time on my own and my fourth – she was only two at the time – was all but lost to me.

Then the X moved out of state. I fought: courts, attorneys I couldn’t afford and a lot of tears.  Now I see my little one for a week at a time every few months. She weeps the day she leaves. She begs me to change it so she sees me more. I’m compelled to bite my tongue.  One day I can tell her. She can know the truth. Her Mother ate the poison of the child abuser who went to jail. With every hateful remark about their birth mother, she justified and internalized that same hate. The results were devastating.

DCFS says it doesn’t matter. I divorced and the kids are safe…as if that’s that.

A week ago I sent my precious daughter back to her Mother. Last night when I said goodbye she wept and begged me to change it so she can spend more time with me. Today my skies are gray and my heart is broken.

I’m grateful my troubles aren’t worse. I know there are those who would trade my troubles for theirs. Am I not allowed my sorrows? For complete disclosure, this is just one of the sorrows weighing on me. If this was all there was, I’d probably be fine.

All I ever wanted was love and family. Sometimes that war seems never ending.

Today I’m crying it all out. Thanks for listening.

To Thee My Love

Sweetly sighs the midnight breeze
The gentle surf of tranquil seas
Caress my thoughts and dreams of thee
My love, thy heart, I long to see

Pure white gold of stars give light
Hope rekindled, inspiration bright
Awakening deep within my soul
My love, thy heart, I long to hold

Tears stream down my Angel’s face
Sorrow, bittersweet to taste
Beauty, love and humble grace
My love, thy heart, to embrace

A darkening hour gives way to dawn
Fear subsides and tears withdrawn
Horizons blessed by  promised light
My love, thy heart, to guide thru night

Music in my heart Inspire,
awakening an inner Fire,
My Queen,
My Hope,
My Love,
My Friend,
My love, thy heart, to lovingly mend

Crown of laurels in silken hair,
A ruler’s strength and wisdom’s heir,
Noble, Sweet, Merciful and Fair,
My Love, Thy Heart, to Guard with care.

The Young Prince

The Young Pince – 2006

A young prince rode into the night
the north star, his guiding light
To protect the ones he loved
.
With a power beyond his own he withstood
by grace and light to serve the good
the enemy feared his rallying cry
Unleashed a curse that he might die.Vision dimmed and a virtue lost
Inwardly denied the incredible cost
Exhaustion drove him to his knees
toward heaven rose his desperate pleas

With his might and strength near spent
His weapon dulled, his armor rent
many a foe lay at his feet
his stout heart cried, but knew not retreat

.

fierce betrayal dawned that day
fallen, broken he hopelessly lay
treachery stole the light of his soul
wondering now could he ever be whole?

.

Eyes closed he plead ever on
Dreams overtook him, he dreamt of the Son
The elements sang the firmament rejoiced
a song too sweet for human voice

.

He awoke to see the master there
Healing his many wounds with care
He marveled how with such great love
His life renewed his soul repaired

.

On bended knee and head bowed low
His tears streamed down and finally slowed
With a power beyond his own he stood
by grace and light to serve the good

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