Today there is no song in my heart. No poem on my lips. Some days are without warmth. That needed hug feels miles away. The weight of it all is crushing. When dreams turn to darkness. All I ever wanted was love and family.
Maybe its the gray skies. Maybe its the week of little or no sleep.
Maybe its the sweet 6 year old girl who I miss dearly.
It all started in June 2006. I had just closed a cold and painful chapter of life. The Divorce was final. But a war was brewing and I didn’t know it. Sometimes that war seems never ending. The casualties…
Somebody new dropped into my life. They were different. There was something special, or so it seemed. We dated a year and were married November of 2007. Things were great. Six months later, we found out that my former spouse and her boyfriend had been sexually abusing my little girl for the previous two years. Devastation. Chaos.
Two years of brutal reality: court, Guardian ad litem, DA prosecutors. It was constant, raw and horrible. The worst part of it was the toll it took on the victim. Her guilt for telling on her mom. Her Maternal Grandmother pressuring her to say it all wasn’t true. I’m sure it didn’t help her when I came apart, weeping and feeling lost.
How could I have failed so completely to protect my children?
Years later, I got over that feeling. The realization that I had done everything I could.
With that war behind me, I thought I would be headed to better times. Happiness and contentment eluded me. Why? There was still a lot of poison in my home. I see what happened but it doesn’t mean I understand it at all.
My advise is this. Don’t dwell on the negative. Don’t wallow in the misery of the past – whether you created it or not. Don’t justify anger or hate.
My wife began to fear the children I brought with me from my first marriage. They were somehow broken and it was her responsibility to fix them. Or at least thats what she expressed to me for four years. How someone else’s destruction was heaped on her to fix. But instead of shunning that poison, it is as if she ingested it. Wallowed in it until it seeped into her skin. She turned dark. Fear lead to anger. Anger lead to hate. Hate lead to suffering.
…and I watched it all happen. I begged and pleaded. I hoped and wished. I prayed.
Kids began to suffer.
After five years, I divorced again. Years of family counseling and therapy down the drain. The little girl we had together was stripped from me. I was a single Dad with three little kids full time on my own and my fourth – she was only two at the time – was all but lost to me.
Then the X moved out of state. I fought: courts, attorneys I couldn’t afford and a lot of tears. Now I see my little one for a week at a time every few months. She weeps the day she leaves. She begs me to change it so she sees me more. I’m compelled to bite my tongue. One day I can tell her. She can know the truth. Her Mother ate the poison of the child abuser who went to jail. With every hateful remark about their birth mother, she justified and internalized that same hate. The results were devastating.
DCFS says it doesn’t matter. I divorced and the kids are safe…as if that’s that.
A week ago I sent my precious daughter back to her Mother. Last night when I said goodbye she wept and begged me to change it so she can spend more time with me. Today my skies are gray and my heart is broken.
I’m grateful my troubles aren’t worse. I know there are those who would trade my troubles for theirs. Am I not allowed my sorrows? For complete disclosure, this is just one of the sorrows weighing on me. If this was all there was, I’d probably be fine.
All I ever wanted was love and family. Sometimes that war seems never ending.
Today I’m crying it all out. Thanks for listening.
Sweetly sighs the midnight breeze
The gentle surf of tranquil seas
Caress my thoughts and dreams of thee
My love, thy heart, I long to see
Pure white gold of stars give light
Hope rekindled, inspiration bright
Awakening deep within my soul
My love, thy heart, I long to hold
Tears stream down my Angel’s face
Sorrow, bittersweet to taste
Beauty, love and humble grace
My love, thy heart, to embrace
A darkening hour gives way to dawn
Fear subsides and tears withdrawn
Horizons blessed by promised light
My love, thy heart, to guide thru night
Music in my heart Inspire,
awakening an inner Fire,
My Queen,
My Hope,
My Love,
My Friend,
My love, thy heart, to lovingly mend
Crown of laurels in silken hair,
A ruler’s strength and wisdom’s heir,
Noble, Sweet, Merciful and Fair,
My Love, Thy Heart, to Guard with care.
The Young Pince – 2006
the north star, his guiding light
To protect the ones he loved
.
by grace and light to serve the good
the enemy feared his rallying cry
Unleashed a curse that he might die.Vision dimmed and a virtue lost
Inwardly denied the incredible cost
Exhaustion drove him to his knees
toward heaven rose his desperate pleas
With his might and strength near spent
His weapon dulled, his armor rent
many a foe lay at his feet
his stout heart cried, but knew not retreat
.
fierce betrayal dawned that day
fallen, broken he hopelessly lay
treachery stole the light of his soul
wondering now could he ever be whole?
.
Eyes closed he plead ever on
Dreams overtook him, he dreamt of the Son
The elements sang the firmament rejoiced
a song too sweet for human voice
.
He awoke to see the master there
Healing his many wounds with care
He marveled how with such great love
His life renewed his soul repaired
.
On bended knee and head bowed low
His tears streamed down and finally slowed
With a power beyond his own he stood
by grace and light to serve the good
Tears of Gold – 1994
One tear of gold for your past
One drop for your first suitor
One tear for the last
Eyes that cannot cry…for love or sorrow
are eyes that cannot see the morrow
It pains my soul to see an empty eye
…empty sightless eye to a celestial future is bound to die
One drop of gold for you
One tear of gold for me
One drop because I love you
One tear for eternity!
I see an eternity of love in your eyes
eyes softly glittering wet gold…white gold
Weep for comfort
Weep for Joy
Weep ’til your eyes can weep no more
For I live to see joy in your eyes.
To see it
To share in it
One drop
a glittering, starlight dream
Two
a shiny silver gold stream
Three
I am here for you, if only in spirit
One more
be comforted and know
now and forever,
I love you and THIS is joy
Let us share in it
I love you
Written March 2013
It begins like so many others
Full of hope
Full of Love
Where does it go from here?
Where does it go from here?
So much love inside us
So much hope, a future bright
And we see it
in our eyes
in our dreams
in our hope
in our
Love
Oh but that can’t be enough
that cannot be enough
There’s some powers that try so hard
to fight Love
and fight Love they do
and so many times tragedy strikes
and you find you don’t have enough light to withstand
and you find you don’t’ have the strength to fly
and then the tragedy strikes
someone you know
someone you love
someone you give your blood
someone’s whos heart you love
someone who’s soul you connected
someone who’s heart you protected
falls down
and theres nothing you could have done
nothing you could have done
just watch them die
watch them die
sit back and cry
and what power can resist
what mortal hand can stop it
and how I ran and hid
how I ran and hid
ran and hid
take me away
all this pain
how it can it be?
this is not what life is
how can it be?
how can it be?
This is not what life is
how can it
be
this happened to me
weep and cry
and slowly and slowly
slowly and slowly
love turns to blood
and slowly and slowly
anger creeps in
and slowly and slowly
love bleeds away
and slowly slowly
death creeps in my door
and slowly and slowly
I see it now catching my love
and she falls
and I call for her
she turns away
and though I call for her
she turns away
Oh and I see it in her eyes
and Oh I feel it in my soul
and Oh I know it can’t be true
but Love died.
But Love….
Love…died
I’m ashamed, I’m ashamed
I’m ashamed, I’m ashamed
Oh how I wanted to turn and look…look away
who wants to see where love died?
and I’m ashamed,
I’m ashamed
I’m ashamed
How I just wanted to just turn away
Don’t want to see the place
where love died
where love died
and sometimes I see her ghost
walking around town
though I wish to reach for her
I know I can’t
How the corpse gave birth to anger
Oh how insanity comes in my door
Oh how love is forgotten
so many promises Left undone
When Love dies
…Nothing left.
Robert D Pemberton 